Sometimes Communicating with Your Partner Sucks!

If you and your partner are having problems with your communication, the following may be of interest to you.

I sent my previous post (about the difficulties TK and I were having) out on April 12th (Thursday afternoon). TK and I then had a pleasant conversation around 4:30 pm, and then no contact all day Friday.  That was a little surprising because we usually speak every day.  When I hadn’t heard from him, I phoned him late in the afternoon, just about the time bombs were being dropped over Syria!  Of course, he wasn’t home. 

Not being able to speak with TK and bombs dropping over Syria made me want to yell at someone… anyone!  However, I didn’t think it appropriate to phone one of my girlfriends on a Friday night and start yelling.  The reality of the situation between TK and I was hitting home for me.   Being a little unsettled and sort of “off” I did what any normal female would do… I started to have some interesting and somewhat weird thoughts.  And there was no one here to interfere with them!

I realized that I had spent most of Friday being very angry at Alex for dying!  I actually had the thought, “If you (Alex) hadn’t died on me, I wouldn’t be going through this experience with TK!  Therefore, if you are the great guy (and excellent therapist) I know you are, please fix what’s happening between TK and myself.  I don’t care if it’s long distance… you can handle it!”

Typing what I was thinking on Friday night has made me realize that I wasn’t quite tethered to reality at that precise moment in time. 😊

It also makes me realize that I want to give TK and I a chance to have a meaningful relationship.   I also know that TK wants us to have a chance.  “A chance to do what?” you may ask.  I do believe if one goes into a relationship wishing the other party would make some changes, then it’s not a good idea to continue the relationship!  Now, if both parties are willing and able, and want to look at the situation that is vexing them, and make whatever changes are required, I say “Go for it!”

Now, let’s fast forward to Saturday morning… TK phoned me.  We had one of the best conversations we’ve ever had!  And, that’s saying something because we have spent a gazillion hours on the phone since we met.  I just had a thought… maybe we communicate so well on the phone because we can’t see each other!  Therefore, there’s no frowns, twitches, or unpleasant looks going back and forth.  And, just as importantly, there are no distractions (TV, music, etc. going on) so the focus is on what we’re saying to each other.

On the telephone, the two-people having the conversation only have the words they use, and the tone and inflection used to convey those words.  I think that it can be easier for people to convey exactly what they mean over the phone.  So, one of the first clues I got about the troubles TK and I were having is when we’re in the same room and facing each other, we can see every twitch, annoyance, frown or smile.

And the twitches, annoyance and frowns have got us into trouble!  The smiles are good. 😊

Therefore, I think it’s time to transfer our communication skills (we’re both good talkers) from in-person conversations to the phone, when we’re having “trouble communicating.” I firmly believe that once a person knows the root cause of an issue or problem, they can go about fixing it.

So, the next time you and your partner are having some kind of disconnect from each other, and one of you (or both) want to fix the situation, why don’t both of you pick up a phone, call each other, and then talk with each other.  Just remember to be in separate rooms.  The worst that can happen is you both are still upset/angry/miserable about whatever issue you find yourself in.  The best thing that can happen is both of you end the call feeling better about yourself and each other!

Give it a try, it just might do the trick and get you both back on track.  Remember… you do love each other!

Once you’ve reconnected, it’s OK if one, or both of you cry!  Crying is almost as effective as having sex, in that it removes negative emotions and instills positive ones.

Eyes are considered to be the windows to your soul, so wash them occasionally! 😊

P.S. My heartfelt gratitude to all who wrote me re the troubles TK and I are having re communicating.  Your words of encouragement mean a lot to me!